Enjoy reading this 👇🏻tongue-in-cheek but seriously, the writer nailed the Malaysian culture. So funny!
Asean leaders were in the US for a big meeting recently. Some said the meeting was a pure US public relations stunt, but many of the leaders who attended it didn’t care. They can still claim travel allowances for it, and with the US dollar so high.
One of the Asean leaders who stayed back after the meeting was Indonesia’s President Joko Widodo, better known as Jokowi. He went to meet Elon Musk in Texas. Musk is the world’s richest man (officially), though there are Malaysians richer than him who are too modest to shout about it.
Pictures of the Jokowi-Musk bromance filled social media. They looked happy and respectful of each other, which I’m sure was a big deal as Musk is allergic to being respectful of anybody.
There are already predictions that the next global investment by Tesla is likely to be in Indonesia. That’ll be a huge coup for a country more known for exporting factory workers, maids and politicians to Malaysia, and for the friendly golf caddies in Bandung.
That’s not all. There is speculation that Musk may also select Indonesia as a launch site for his SpaceX rockets. This makes a lot of sense: launching rockets near the Equator would give any rocket a big boost.
Good for you Indonesia. You’re going from strength to strength economically, and with that, politically and socially too. It won’t be long before we’re driving Indonesian electric cars, gorging on spicy Indonesian instant jamus and bingeing on Indonesian serials.
Where does this leave Malaysia? Well, it leaves us…behind. It’s not that we lack ambition and vision, for we clearly want Musk to choose Malaysia. But with Tesla and SpaceX likely gone, perhaps we can persuade Musk to bring The Boring Company to Malaysia?
Except Malaysia is not actually boring, even if we’ve become soiled goods now, and are no longer attractive. In spite of that, many locals still want to dig holes to store wealth for their next seven generations, so clearly the market exists.
Deeply entrenched obstacles
Unfortunately, there are many obstacles in Malaysia which are deeply entrenched and can’t be removed easily, if at all. I’ll list them out.
Protocols. Look at how relaxed Jokowi and Musk were chatting with each other. At no point did we see Musk bowing and kissing hands and walking backwards awkwardly at that meeting.
Protocols again: Musk wore a t-shirt! In Malaysia he’d have to wear Baju Melayu, and bring his wife along, who must stay two steps behind.
Bloody protocol again! Our prime minister must have 50 people surrounding him, and Musk must bring his own entourage too, though it cannot be bigger than the prime minister’s.
Piracy: Musk would have to submit a proposal through influential Malaysian fixers, who would then hijack and resubmit it under their own names. He’ll be lucky if he remains a minority shareholder as Tesla’s Malaysian subsidiary becomes a GLC. Even if he does retain control, he’d be forced to sell a majority shareholding to Bumiputera parties anyway.
Localised management team: Musk would need to appoint a Malaysian CEO, who must be a Bumiputera (or at least one with a Bumiputera-sounding name) whose automotive knowledge is based on his father importing cars through approved permits.
Who will get that job?
Board appointments: the chairman of Tesla’s Malaysian company must either be a retired senior civil servant, or a convicted politician, or better still someone who’s both.
Site location: the factory must be built in Pahang. However, Pahang does have many hills already levelled by floods or cleared of timber and musang king trees, ready for construction, so perhaps that’s not too bad.
No Zionists: No Israeli citizens from the HQ may come to Malaysia. They would have to queue up at the Singapore end of the causeway to meet their Malaysian counterparts, unless Musk can arrange for them to travel on Saudi passports.
The mating game
Shariah compliance: the process of mating an engine to a car body, called a “marriage”, would now require proper solemnisation and certificates, and hence the creation of a new religious department to administer it. Electric vehicles have at least two, three or even four engines each actually, and each would require a certificate and a ceremony.
Translator: there must be one translator for every two employees. Musk will have to appoint a two-ringgit company owned by a deputy minister’s son’s driver’s cousin, set up just two days earlier, with Jho Low as its advisor, to offer translation services.
Local expertise: Musk must appoint our world famous bomoh kelapa to the scientific advisory board of Tesla, and especially SpaceX.
Local talent: he must hire thousands of local PhDs. If in the unlikely event there aren’t enough to hire, the local universities will produce more in three months’ time.
Unplanned public holidays: Musk must plan for four such holidays per year, assuming nobody important dies. If a Malaysian big chief makes it to the cover of Time magazine, as Jokowi just did, there will be a month-long celebration and holiday.
Corruption: Ah… one of the very few areas where we’re acknowledged as world class, so perhaps this isn’t a problem after all.
Positive thoughts about Malaysia
But I sound so negative about the challenges that would face him in Malaysia. We have many positives too!
Every time Musk flies to Malaysia, thousands will wait to welcome him at the airport. It’ll be six hours before he can leave in his Tesla motorcade, escorted by a bunch of zero-emission basikal lajaks, a true Malaysian innovation.
Of course, his motorcade will have right of way over the motoring public, ambulances, fire engines and even trains on level crossings. He’d get police escorts everywhere he goes. And his sons too.
He can take holidays overseas anytime he wants, such as during major floods, lockdowns and pandemics.
Figuring it all out
If he had a bad year, he can put any number he wants in his financial reports. At most he’d probably have to pay a compound which is just a rounding error on the rounding error of his wealth. And he can hire and fire any number of audit firms until he finds one that he likes.
He can make political donations to any politician he chooses, whether directly to them or into the accounts of their wife or charitable foundations. It’s all legal.
If he doesn’t like the government, he can just wait for a few days, and hey presto! We have a new one! Same with the prime minister.
And we can make him a Datuk three times before breakfast, plus give him free ones for his friends.
I am trying hard to be respectful to Indonesia, or they may use a common proverb across the two nations to describe Malaysia as “Biar Kalah Sabung Asalkan Menang Sorak” – to lose the fight but win the celebrations.
While that is patently true, if they did that, we’d retaliate by sending a joker to Jakarta as ambassador to show our contempt. This may not achieve much, but at least there’s one less joker in Malaysia for us to put up with.